PANCAKE, PENNSYLVANIA - In a move that surprised absolutely no one, father Jay Harper, 49, made his fourth statement of the day Sunday afternoon - clarifying to his family that he was "not sleeping, just resting [his] eyes".
This claim was delivered at 3:26pm. Harper was discovered slouched in his favorite recliner, mouth wide open, and the remote gripped loosely as the Philadelphia Union game played silently in the background.
"I'm not asleep, just resting my eyes," Harper mumbled, barely audible over his own snoring. "Just listening to the game."
Harper's wife, Linda, and daughter Jessica, report exchanging knowing glances, having heard similar claims that morning, at breakfast, after lunch, and while Harper was standing in the garage "thinking about mowing the lawn".
The family confirms this is part of a longstanding tradition, dating back to at least 2010, when Harper denied napping during his daughter's kindergarten Christmas pageant. "He's been resting his eyes for over a decade now," commented wife, Linda. "At this point, I don't think he knows what real sleep feels like."
Experts report the phenomenon, known as "Dad Resting Eye Syndrome", affects millions of fathers nationwide, typically affecting weekends, holidays and movies rated below PG-13.
At time of report, Harper was seen "resting his eyes" in the backyard hammock while a lawnmower sat idle nearby.